Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
