Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
