What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
