My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
