I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
