I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
