I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
