90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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