This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
