whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
