I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
