the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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