we made out on top of his cat.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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