I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
