Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
