i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
