dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
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