okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
