She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
