Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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