Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
