Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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