his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
