I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
