the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
