He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
