uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
