he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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