his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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