i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
