Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
