yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
