Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Randomize
