Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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