I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
