There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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