i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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