nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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