The maid of honor just puked.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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