Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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