3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
