He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
