She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
