After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
