i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
