they need to just BURY HIM!
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
