also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
