sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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