I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
