I looked at my own cervix.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
